It’s a long story, that had quite a cute/sweet/cuddly beginning to it. And then it ended in shambles. Regrets on my side. Like on a drunk night out, and you take a piss in a bin while someone films you. Not that the relationship I had was some kind of piss take, but had the choices I made come back to me, I would have definitely made different ones.
I just kills me how I was so naive to believe so many things he said (not to mention a few of my friends, not that I blame them) and then, try to translate to things that I felt like I needed and wanted from a relationship. I had some beautiful times with him. I don’t regret those, even up to the moment I thought I was going to leave him for good. But there have been many times where I thought I was stuck in a relationship, just for the sake of feeling important in someone else’s life. And I tell you, for all that it’s worth, when it’s a one sided thing, there’s too much to be sacrificed. The least I can say is that I’ve had the experience, and you know, if you’ve never been sad, how do you know if you’ve been truly happy, ya know?
Saturday 1st November 2008
It started when I was working in the Home Counties in the UK. As much as I hate to admit, some random blonde boy messaged me one night off of a dating site. Yes, I’m ashamed of it. But I lived in the Home Counties- where else was I going to get some action?
He was blonde, and tall and around my age, so naturally I agreed to meet up the following afternoon for a pint. He turned out to be a legit guy I thought I could hang out with. We had the same sense of humour, same banter, and above all, we were both in the closet and interested with each other. We both thought at that time it would have been a FWB kind of thing, nothing deep, nothing special. We drank, we got drunk, we had dinner at Covent Garden, and he took me to the train station where we said our goodbyes. As we walked there, we snuck around an alley way, and made out. Properly. We were both hard, in some ex-counsel estate. We were scared, but at the same time, it was exciting and really hot. I remember that night so clearly. It wasn’t until 330am until I caught the train back home. “Nice of him” I thought, “but if anything was going to happen, it would have happened already.”
Now how wrong was I to assume that.
Sunday 2nd November 2008
No, he called me the next day and asked me to go chill with him. I suggested we go to a burrito bar at Angel – So we went there had our dinner, then headed to a sports bar. Not to watch sports, I hated watching sports (and still do). But to drink cheap booze…
By the end of the night we were literally feeling each other’s hands and legs beneath the table. I think back now and it was so damn cute. We were like raindrops and lived like we sang through the streets we fell on. It was getting late that night, and I told him that I needed to go back home. But I’m a weakling and easily persuaded with another drink. So I stayed and long story short, I somehow floated to his place. I told him nothing was going to happen. I was going to sleep on the couch and I’d get up early in the morning to take the first train back home to get to work. Obviously that did happen. We just made out the whole night, rolling around in bed, trying to relieve ourselves of our blue balls….
Next morning, I pulled a sickie. First time ever, but fuck that, I was completely infatuated with this guy. I wanted to know what he wanted. What I wanted. What everything was going to lead to….
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