So I'm at my parents place tonight having dinner. It's nice to do that once in a while, especially when you have to wake up at 5am to go to work in the mornings (and it also gives me a bit of time to blog). Anyway, during dinner, I told my mother that I wanted to move closer to work (as opposed to living 1hr away from work). She snapped and said "No, it's too far from your home, now eat your dinner". Oh Chinese parents...
Now, I might be a homosexual, but there have been many times, when I've been tempted (and curious) to go out with a chick. And today, I figured it out - it comes down to three main reasons:
1. I don't want to have to lie about non-existent girl friends when my family & friends (that I will not come out to anytime soon) ask.
2. I actually think it'd be fun to go out with a chick, minus the (mandatory?) sex.
3. She'd be really hot and popular so I'd be able to use her as a social vehicle and expand my friendship circle.
Yes, I want a girlfriend, minus the sex. And you know I'd be the perfect boyfriend, minus the homosexuality. I'm smart, cute, athletic, popular, good cook, great kisser, and most of all, an amazing spoon in bed. Awesome in general (except for the "I'm very much in love with cock and ass" part).
But the problem is, I would never be able to bring myself do this, knowing that eventually I'd have to break up and disappoint someone that I loved and a friendship. In fact, I'm scared shitless about breaking up a friendship and I would never lead someone on just so that I could break up a relationship, and that's why I haven't been out with a chick yet. I'd end up feeling like a massive (guilt-ridden) douche.
The reason I've been thinking about this so much, ironically, despite all the above, is because there's this girl at work who works in a different team to me, who's blatantly into me- and I really enjoy her company. We flirt over im (at work) all the time, and we have almost everything in common to discuss about. She's smart, very respectable, cute, popular and drama-free.
And the problem is, I feel as long as I haven't declared my love (or lust) to her, our friendship will eventually fade away when she finds a more awesome kid to be with. And as selfish as this sounds, although I want her to be happy, I don't want it to happen .
And the problem is, I feel as long as I haven't declared my love (or lust) to her, our friendship will eventually fade away when she finds a more awesome kid to be with. And as selfish as this sounds, although I want her to be happy, I don't want it to happen .
Simply put it, I don't know what I want. At times, I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to conform to societal norms, but is my urge to date a chick a result of this? Or is it a genuine feeling? I can't figure it out. I'm hoping someone feels the same out there.
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