I've never had a girl friend and I've never kissed a girl.

So I'm at my parents place tonight having dinner. It's nice to do that once in a while, especially when you have to wake up at 5am to go to work in the mornings (and it also gives me a bit of time to blog). Anyway, during dinner, I told my mother that I wanted to move closer to work (as opposed to living 1hr away from work). She snapped and said "No, it's too far from your home, now eat your dinner". Oh Chinese parents... 

Now, I might be a homosexual, but there have been many times, when I've been tempted (and curious) to go out with a chick. And today, I figured it out - it comes down to three main reasons:

1.  I don't want to have to lie about non-existent girl friends when my family & friends (that I will not come out to anytime soon) ask.

2. I actually think it'd be fun to go out with a chick, minus the (mandatory?) sex.

3. She'd be really hot and popular so I'd be able to use her as a social vehicle and expand my friendship circle.

Yes, I want a girlfriend, minus the sex. And you know I'd be the perfect boyfriend, minus the homosexuality. I'm smart, cute, athletic, popular, good cook, great kisser, and most of all, an amazing spoon in bed. Awesome in general (except for the "I'm very much in love with cock and ass" part).

But the problem is, I would never be able to bring myself do this, knowing that eventually I'd have to break up and disappoint someone that I loved and a friendship. In fact, I'm scared shitless about breaking up a friendship and I would never lead someone on just so that I could break up a relationship, and that's why I haven't been out with a chick yet. I'd end up feeling like a massive (guilt-ridden) douche.

The reason I've been thinking about this so much, ironically, despite all the above, is because there's this girl at work who works in a different team to me, who's blatantly into me- and I really enjoy her company. We flirt over im (at work) all the time, and we have almost everything in common to discuss about. She's smart, very respectable, cute, popular and drama-free. 

And the problem is, I feel as long as I haven't declared my love (or lust) to her, our friendship will eventually fade away when she finds a more awesome kid to be with. And as selfish as this sounds, although I want her to be happy, I don't want it to happen .

Simply put it, I don't know what I want. At times, I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to conform to societal norms, but is my urge to date a chick a result of this? Or is it a genuine feeling? I can't figure it out. I'm hoping someone feels the same out there.

Back in office

Oh oh hello

The last two weeks have been crazy. Had the best few days of the year so far over there. But I'm not going to write too much because I need to get ready for work in a moment.

I went to the UK over the last two weeks for a holiday. It was full of the usual: banter, beer, hanging in the park, prosecco, good food (yes, good food in the UK), good weather (yes, sunshine) and as a consequence, I lost a digit in my bank account.

I also went to Madrid to visit my bro who's currently on holiday in Europe. And although we decided that Madrid was extremely boring, I still had a great time spending time with him and his wife. No parents, no talk about the parents impending divorce, no domestic issues. Just us three, wine and olives. I hadn't quite had a talk in ages so it was good to get things off my chest and also find out more about his life. I talk like we're complete strangers, and to some degree we are. I rarely see him, or talk to him. The last time I saw him was for my cousin's wedding in three years ago, and he didn't visit for very long so we didn't have much time to talk.

But this was different. And we both knew it was.

A few weeks ago I was with S thinking about coming out to my brother. I was quite determined to do it. But when I saw him face to face, he was such a stranger to me, I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right - and besides, his wife was there which would have added to the awkwardness. Strangers maybe,  the weird thing is, we get each other. I don't know why / what it is.

I don't think he'd react adversely. He's seen enough shit in other people's life to know that being gay isn't the worst thing that could have happened to me (or rather, isn't such a bad thing).

Both of them did try to probe into my life. They both asked me about my non-existent gf's and hot friends that I'm not banging. And like I said to my mother, I gave an answer that I was most comfortable with - I lied to them about it.

But the party don't stop...

So I’ll write a bit about last night (which was amazing) while I wait for my Jersey Shore episode to download (there’s a reason for this, I don’t watch trash TV spontaneously).

I was quite hung over yesterday. I got up for an afternoon run on HK trail 1 and 2. It was pretty fucking fun. Up and down, burning thighs, winding paths, waterfalls, attention, eye candy… haha…any day mate, any day…

Anyway, fast forward, past my buffet dinner with my colleagues (I literally shoved my face in food and beer), we’re at Azure, roof top bar (something like 20 of us) and N swings by with C and G. At this point I had like 100 different people / bars that I wanted to be at, but my phone was out of battery, I’m in shorts, and I’m carrying a camel pack. Really disappointing. But it’s fine, because N was next to me, so he became my phone. He really wanted to get it on with the “Developer Girls” but they fucked off somewhere, and were really boring and incapable of stringing a few words together to make conversation. One did buy me a shot, so she’s cool.

The police raid Azure, I try to stir shit up with N, shouting obscenities like a tool but I get a lemon thrown at me, so we go to Shake Shake. Me, thinking of Kid K, decided to text him where he is, and was in stormies! So I drag the crew out, and go to stormies. C is stoked about seeing Regina – apparently, a clone of this girl in Jersey Shore (which is why I’m downloading it, to see what the commotion is about).

At this point in my life, two weird things happen. 

1. I try to get 4 Jello shots, cool. Then this cute guy, taller than me, comes and grab me on the shoulder and asks me if I wanted to do “the challenege”. I said, I didn’t know what it was. So he proceeds to the bartender to ask for shots and at this point, I didn’t quite realize what he was doing, so with my primal instincts, I shout NO! and he fucks off. I think he groped my ass before he left. IDK. I was drunk out of my mind.

2. C and G asks Tabby if Kid K is gay. Not to big myself up, or anyone, she’s not exactly the most attractive girl an she defo has the hots for Kid K and me. Possibly Lad too.  Anyway, she walked away without answering. C and G are now convinced Kid K is gay and that I have a chance. But they think I can do “better” so what? I don’t understand.  I look at him at this point, and I think to myself: I just want to stroke your beautiful hair. I need to get laid.

What do you do? How do you ask a “straight” guy out without making it awkward?

We go off to Cul-de-Sac and have some Poutine. N and I are going to become fat chicks if we keep this up every Saturday. But fucking delicious.

S and Crisp and Y arrive shortly afterwards, and then head off to the beach. N takes C and G back home, and I’m left with S. and it’s only 4:00AM, but we head back home, satisfied with the night.

(oh and before I get on the taxi, I see the guy who groped my ass at the bar again. I shake his hand and leave while cuddling S)

When it's not OK

So I’m splurged out on beer right now. It’s Wednesday night, and I have to get to work at 730AM tomorrow.

Without making any references:

You know when you’re supposed to follow rules, and you do it, but you know they’re not right. You know that if you break the rules, somehow, it will make more sense. Well I didn’t do that last week. I blindly stuck to the rules and did what was required to do.

What happened? I got in shit. And someone accepted that shit for me. So now, I’m pretty pissed off, horny, and alone.

Not good I tell you.

I need a beard. (not a hairy beard)

Right so during lunch, I was discussing with my mother about my brother's relationship with his wife.  She's apparently quite worried for them because she caught my brother sleeping on the floor once.

So then, she turns 180deg around and asks me if I have a girlfriend.

I shat in my pants.

In the past, when I was asked, I would tell her that wasn't 100% settled anywhere so I hadn't actively look for a girl friend (which I think is a 100% legit excuse).

At some point in my life (recently), I decided to admit the truth to anyone who'd ask if I were gay. and I've kept to it. But I thought again- I couldn't do that to my parents. Sometimes, the truth hurts for a life time. And this is a truth that would do exactly just that.

I said no, which was clearly not the answer she was expecting.  My brother brought girlfriends when he was 22 and spoke of marriage at 25, so same age as me right now, I apparently bear no fruits to match their expectations.

You see my parents are very proud of what they've achieved in life. They raised by really humble parents and grew up to live a modest life, better than all their brothers and sisters. They're really proud of the fact that thy have two intelligent sons, graduated from top tier unis, and have respectable jobs. They rub it in their friends faces. Because they can. And like father like son, like mother like daughter, I'd do the same too. Which is why I know this truth is worth sacrifice.

I proceed with my dumpling, and she proceeds with her mouth. She asks if I have anyone in mind, or if I had a girlfriend before.

Again, Chinese parents like to speculate. My mother always talks of my brother and tells me what she thinks he's up to. So I'm rather sure my mum was thinking I had a girlfriend while I was in London, which was why I was so reluctant to come back to hong kong. Or even worse, she probably thought I had a boyfriend... But let's not go there because I'm scared of that truth too.

With assurance, I tell my mum: "mum, I don't plan to get married and have kids until I'm 35. There's just too much to do out there and I don't want to settle down until I'm sure of where I want to live." She concurs and leaves the subject to rest.

This is exactly why I need a beard very soon.




Seriously, I can't get enough of this:

Kid K

Hey guys

So I just came back from my 10k road run, (I rarely run on roads - i find it too monotonous) there were quite a few runners out there tonight and got eye fucked a few times. Chinese men have no shame in staring. I gotta admit, I was enjoying the attention. It’s not so often I get that much attention every week. Is that what it’s like being a hot chick? I often wonder. Anyway, back to real stuff.

So a few weeks back, I went to Vietnam with a mate from Uni. He brought along with him, two other school friends and they brought a chick too. So this one friend of his, I had a major crush on. He was real hot, short, but really toned. And he knew he was hot, and that confidence was even hotter. He’s not that smart, but no worries, I’m a tool, I can take care of him – if anything ever happens.

So during our trip in Vietnam, we got a long pretty well, relaxing on the boat, looking at limestone islands that resemble jumping fishes, shooting the shit etc.– infact we found out we both had quite a few mutual friends, one of which was my co-worker. I worked my magic, played the cool card, and he invited me to a boat trip back in Hong Kong, which was pretty cool of him (and I took it as a massive hint – probably in the wrong way…).

Fast forward a few weeks, and we’re on the boat. I’m well hung over, armed with only two hours of sleep but determined to have a good time on this boat with American expats. A few of them had tatts which was quite intimidating. When I’m intimidated I literally, hide behind people (i.e. the kid, K) and try to stay inside my comfort zone. I’m not that type who becomes more confident the more intimidating the other person is.

Moving on…So I got to know a few of his friends blah blah, but more importantly, we formed this little social group which I was in. He might turn out to be straight, but I’m liking this anyway. He’s a nice, naïve kid.

Come last Saturday and I’m out there partying like a twat and he messages me to see if I want to hang with him and his mates. N and I say our goodbyes to S and Y (it’s N’s birthday btw) and we see K. Prior to meeting him, I think I had something like, 3 Long Island Ice Teas, 6 Jager shots, 2 cans of beer so I was OK. Then we started properly with his friends (the guys on the boat). First it was a tequila shot, then jello shots then… I forget… haha. That’s where my memory of the night disappeared.

I do remember going into 711 and buying HITE (Korean beer) and trying to chat up these two girls, one of which was called “Hernia”. Terrible name. N thinks she must’ve thought it was the name of a goddess or something. And he’s got a video of me talking to her, which is not cool, because I am probably talking off the top of my twatted brain, unable to string even the most simple words together. Apparently K remembers this, and remembers HITE. N says he piggy backed me down a few flights of stairs. I don’t know how drunk I was, but I did loose 5 cards out of my wallet. On second thoughts, it's probably a good thing that my credit card was lost.

Regardless of that, and regardless of the fact that he’s posts pictures of hot chicks on his facebook, and regardless of the fact that he’s not intelligent, and regardless of the fact that he could play literally, anyone, I’m deeply infatuated by him.

II. Love games and alcohol

And because I hesitate to write this, I feel even more compelled to do so.

So the weeks passed and D and I got increasingly infatuated with each other. All the partying, preppy-ness, drinking, shopping, and him taking around 'secret' London. I got to admit, it was really fun. So was the sex. We were basically seeing each other every weekend, and maybe once or twice during the week and having rabbit sex. Mind you, I lived miles away from central London so it was taking quite a toll on my work. Yeah, puppy love is what they call it.

I was to finish my internship by the end of the december. I didnt know where I was going to end up, what I was going to be doing or how I was even going to get somewhere by the end of December. I did have plans to go back to Australia.

And other than that on my mind, there was D. Preppy, cute, funny, blonde D.

That Christmas I decided give up my ticket to hong kong to stay in London for him. It was a blast...